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The 10 Biggest Award Shows And Why They Don't Matter

The end of the football season and all your Sunday shows getting preempted can only mean one thing - we are deep in the middle of yet another unbearable award show season in America. Months of celebrities hobnobbing and stroking each others egos. "Oh, Jessica Alba, your performance in Spy Kids 4 was so moving."

 

Odds are, your girlfriend, wife, or effeminate friend will try to get you to watch at least one of these four-hour ass-kissing-paloozas this year. Quick! Fake a heart attack! Here are 10 award shows to avoid at all costs.

 

10. Emmys

Unlike film and music awards, television shows stay on for years. Want to know who will win this year? Just check who won last year against a list of shows still on the air. This is an award show that gave Frasier 37 total Emmys for God's sake!

 

And how many categories do you really need? In 2009, 30 Rock was nominated for 22 different awards. How much reassurance does Tina Fey need?!

 

9. ESPYs

In case ESPN did not realize this in between trying to summarize three-hour games in fourteen seconds, sports already have awards. The best sports teams? They won the Superbowl, World Series, or league championship. The best athlete? He already has the best stats and likely an MVP award. Comeback player of the year, rookies, coaches - you name it, there is already an award for it in every single sport. And they mean a hell of a lot more than an ESPY.

 

That isn't to say that you shouldn't tune in if you want to find out who the Best Jockey of the Year is or if you have ever wondered what it would look like if Justin Timberlake hosted a sports award show.

 

8. Spike Video Game Awards

Most award shows are just really elaborate ways for studios to get more publicity for their crappy work. In the case of video games, it's probably unlikely that 12-year-olds and potheads would be swayed by the fact that a game won Best Comedy Game of the Year.

 

It's not an award show if the game trailers are the biggest part of an event, it's a trade show where geeks get to vote on completely arbitrary and irrelevant categories like Best Adapted Game, Most Anticipated Game, and Best Dressed Assassin.

 

7. Golden Globes

Let's face it, the Hollywood Foreign Press is as good at judging entertainment as George Lucas is at coming up with original ideas for movies. The Golden Globes are less an award show and more a chance for TV actors to sit in the same room as more famous and successful movie actors.

 

Realizing that no one gives a damn, the Golden Globes is now less about four hours of awards and more about the five minutes of Ricky Gervais making totally innocent jokes about pompous actors that unnecessarily gets Sean Penn all in a tiff. Humorless ass.

 

6. People's Choice Awards

Really? The same people that make movies like Paul Blart Mall Cop and Twilight number

one at the box office for weeks? The same people that would rather watch Jersey Shore than anything with a plot?

 

Between all the categories for movies, TV, and music, this is no more an award show than a four-hour block of commercials for every piece of crap to be released last year.

 

5. The Woodys - Adult Video News Awards

At least this is the one award the winners had to bend over backwards to get. The only thing worse than watching an award show is watching a bunch of pornstars take it seriously. Then again, how could you not with award categories like Best Gonzo Series, Best Anal-Themed Feature, Best Non-Sex Performance (also known as the most useless person on the set), and Most Outrageous Sex.

 

Perhaps the show would be more interesting with categories like Most Orifices Used For Penetration and Worst Porn Related Injury of the Year.

 

4. VMAs

The VMAs launched because typical award shows were snooty and boring and, of course, MTV is anything but... That's why everyone dresses the same and reads bland and unnatural banter off the teleprompter.

 

And who knows more about music than Music Television? This is surely why recent Best Artist winners include such prizes as Lady Gaga, Panic! at the Disco, and Missy Elliott. Maybe you're more interested in top notch hosts like P. Diddy, Russel Brand, and Chelsea Handler - prompting last year's show to skip a host altogether.

 

How much credibility can you give an award show that once handed Peter Gabriel 10 trophies on a single night or has given Lady Gaga 14 awards in her first two years around? Really, the only reason to check out the VMAs is to see if drunk Kanye will verbally assault any teenage girls during the show.

 

3. MTV Movie Awards

Since MTV made music awards so cool, why wouldn't Music Television also get involved with movies. It's a good thing they did, otherwise the would simply wouldn't know who had the Best Kiss, Best Fight, and Best Line from a Movie.

 

Everything you need to know about the MTV Movie Awards? It is entirely judged by 12-year-old girls. How else do you explain this; 2009: Best Movie - Twilight, Best Actress - Kristin Stewart. 2010: Best Movie - Twilight, Best Actress - Kristin Stewart, Best Actor - Robert Pattinson. 2011: Best Movie - Twilight, Best Actress - Kristin Stewart, Best Actor - Robert Pattinson.

 

2. Grammys

If there is one group of people that should judge the quality of music it's the industry that pumps out the garbage you hear on the radio every day.

 

Luckily, the number of categories this year were reduced to a mere 78, rather than the

previous 109. 78 awards?! Today's music is so bad, it doesn't deserve awards.

 

Better categories for modern music should include Most Bitches in a Music Video, Most Songs on One Album Using The Exact Same Beat, and Most Cliche Lyrics About The Girl You Like.

 

1. Oscars

At one point, the Oscars were all there was as far as award shows. Unfortunately, that's all

it had going for it. In our special olympics culture where everyone gets an award

(except Keanu Reeves or Matthew McConaughey), the Oscars are now just another award show only there to remind Meryl Streep how much everyone likes her.

 

Perhaps it is because no one wants to sit through four hours of awards for Best Animated Short, Best Sound Mixing, and Best Makeup. Perhaps it is because good movies are always being screwed in favor of gimmicky movies where the protagonist is mentally challenged, blind, or playing a British person. Either way, let's just call the Oscars what they really are, the only gig Billy Crystal and Steve Martin can still get.