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Guide to Asian Massage Parlors

Who doesn't love a little Asian afternoon delight? For those who have never partaken in an Asian Massage Parlor, or AMPs as those of us who frequent them say, you are missing out.

Sure, there is a certain amount of stereotyping that goes on..."She gonna love you wrong time", but all joking aside, AMPs serve a valuable service to their communities and should be given the proper respect that they deserve. With that being said let's move on to the actual guide which covers everything you could possibly need to know before you lie for a rub with a happy ending.

The Complete Guide to Asian Massage Parlors

Obviously the first question is why should I go to an AMP? Aren't they seedy and dangerous?

Pardon me while I laugh at you good sir. Why go to an AMP? Why the hell not! Why not go to a strip club? Why not go to Mexico and watch a donkey pleasure a woman? Okay...maybe you can skip that last one...but the point is life is all about enjoyment. Yes you can sit at home and take Captain Fisty for a ride but sometimes you just need something different like a little female contact.

What is a happy ending?

When you visit a tug-n-rub the general idea is that you pay for a massage with a happy ending. That means a girl gives you some sort of massage that ends with a full blown handjob or possibly more. For a lot of guys this falls under one of a few fantasies such as tasting the Asian tart and getting action from a complete stranger.

Common Slang

Just to be clear a "Happy Ending" can also be a "full release", "tug-n-rub", "good love", "good rove" (depending on how bad the accent is), "feeling goooood", "full service" or really anything that sounds like a sexual term spoken in bad English. In case you aren't getting the point here...some of these girls aren't going to speak your lingo so you have to make do.

The Rundown (what to expect)

·       Finding an AMP - Depending on the size of your town you might need to consult online ads or Craigslist. Do a little research and try and find referrals if possible. You will feel better and not end up getting shanked in an alley. Bigger cities have AMPs around like strip clubs and are easy to find in the yellow pages. My personal choice is to check RubMaps or Backpage.

·       The Building - Usually it is a single entrance set-up with a bell. You get met by a greeter, often a giant troll of a woman, who tries to figure out if you are a cop or a customer. No matter what always be nice to the greeter - they are the gatekeeper! If you are new, ask for a list of services. Smaller shops might not have this option.

·       Girls - Sometimes they let you pick a girl, sometimes the troll picks one for you (which is why you are nice to her), and sometimes you get the next girl available. If you have read reviews and want someone then ask for her by name. The best places are when you get to pick because it is like a sexy buffet. Never pick the hottest girl because she gets used....a lot...so look for option #3 for more "enthusiastic" service.

·       Costs - This varies from place to place and can even be more expensive in certain towns like San Francisco. One important note is you do not need to do an hour session. Thirty minutes is plenty of time to get the job done. You are going to pay for a basic service of some sort, like a $40 massage, and then the girls will ask about "extras". Usually a handjob is about $40 and oral is $60 to $80. It works better to pick the cheapest service on the list then just tip more. Sometimes you pay for basic up front and extras in the room but it varies.

·       Services - Okay this isn't a spa...the services basically suck. A massage or body shampoo is okay but stay the hell away from the hot towel unless you like the idea of a bunch of other dudes germs all over you.

·       The Room - So you walk into this crappy little room and she may or may not be chatting with you. At this point you need to ensure that she understand what you are here for. When she says disrobe you strip it on down. Don't be embarrassed and let her see the hog before you put a towel on. Getting naked is a sign that you are a "real" customer. You can even put some flash cash out on top of your clothes so she gets the hint. If you are offered a shower or body shampoo, make sure to take it (it's a cultural thing for cleanliness). Generally girls will test you so you need to make sure to play along by encouraging contact (rub her leg or her ass...gently of course) and making noises that show you enjoy her touch. Having an erection is ideal.

·       Extras - At some point she will decide you have passed the test and will ask you what else you want. For the big ballers just whisper in her ear, "everything".

AMP Do's

·       Always bring enough cash to cover services plus tip.

·       Always say you have been there before. If they ask who you saw pick any Asian girl's name. Otherwise they give you the third degree.

·       Always be nice and friendly, especially to the troll guarding the door.

·       Always tip the troll guarding the door.

·       Relax and enjoy yourself.

·       Tip the girls.

·       Treat the girls well.

·       Remember that getting a massage isn't illegal!

AMP Don'ts

·       Don't bring in your wallet, cell phone, or anything else valuable.

·       Don't ask for things not on the menu.

·       Don't mention reviews or that you found them online or you might get the door.

·       Never pay $80 or more for anything less than full service.