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Top 10 New Laws of ManCode

By now you should all be familiar with the official yet unwritten ManCode. If you aren't, educate yourself. We live in a civilized society, for Pete's sake! (P.S. Pete, you still owe me that Hangover DVD)


As with any ancient yet unwritten document (reading takes away from quality porn-and/or-drinking time), new additions must be made to stay relevant to the times. After all, when the original ManCode was written by great men like Socrates, Confucius, and the Green Lantern, the world did not have texting or cable television - just carrier pigeons and Dish TV.


So, without cutting any further into your porn-and/or-drinking time, ManWall presents the official 2011 Addendum to the ManCode:


10. You will not use smileys in your texts.
Times when using smileys is acceptable: when you're a 13-year-old girl (and not just pretending to be one in a chat room).
Times when using smileys isn't acceptable: All other times.
While we're at it, let's put that whole "lol" thing on the chopping block for next year.


9. It isn't a "stupid thing to do" if it's a group activity.
If your buddy is downing his last beer and getting ready to try out the home-made hovercraft he built out of a vacuum cleaner and a garbage can lid - probably a bad idea. If everyone takes a turn and places a wager on who can go the longest without crashing through the neighbor's garage door, now it's a fun way to spend the day and a story.


8. If your buddy is having girl problems, it's always HER fault.
Friend in the dumps because his girl is mad he missed their anniversary to compete in a weekend-long Call of Duty marathon? What a bitch. Did he get dumped because she walked in on him cheating...with her sister? At least it wasn't some stranger, right?! The point is, he couldn't have done anything so bad that she couldn't get over it by just having looser morals.


7. It is never acceptable to say "Hey, let's watch Real Housewives! That show is hilarious!"
First, no it isn't. Second, the only time a man should watch Real Housewives is when his girl needs to feel better about herself by watching human trainwrecks on TV before she is ready to have sex with him.


6. As a wingman, you must adhere to all applicable wingman laws.
This includes any and all a) anti-cockblocking, b) conversation, and c) fat-friend intervention terms of agreement. Respect the job and it will respect you!


5. You will shut up about your fantasy team after two mentions.
Unless you are all in the same league and smack is being talked, no one cares about how many receptions Eddie Royal has except for you. Also, it is never acceptable to say "at least Tom Brady gave me a lot of fantasy points" when he just steamrolled your team.


4. You can't just keep making that corny joke all night.
"That's what she said" being the obvious exception.


3. It's never acceptable to say "Maybe you've had enough to drink" if your buddy's pants are still on.
Your buddy has all of the alcohol tolerance he thinks he has, you're not his mother. Besides, maybe he totally meant to hit on the fat chick at the end of the bar with the peach fuzz on her third chin and just needed enough liquid courage to do it - the point is it's not your call.


2. It is perfectly okay to repay debts up to $50 entirely in beer.
That's how he was going to spend the money anyway! Besides, what would make you feel better? Fifty bucks in paper or fifty bucks in liquid happiness?


1. Most Important Rule Refresher: You don't tell women about any of this. Or anything else.
Never forget the two most important laws of ManCode.
1. You don't talk about ManCode. Not to your girlfriend, not to your wife, and definitely not to your girlfriend or wife.
2. You don't talk about any man that falls under the jurisdiction of ManCode. In other words, your buddy's wife ask you where he is? It is perfectly to deny you ever knew or even met the guy.


Have any more nominations for new Man Laws? Make all your official decrees in the comment board!