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Tom Cruise and His "Arranged" Relationships

By now strange news popping up about Tom Cruise seems rather commonplace, so much that we hardly bat an eye. It is like when you hear about Mel Gibson screaming incoherent vulgarities at the way-too-hot-for-him girlfriend he has; by now it's par for the course. But even I was a bit taken aback at the new story about how those crazy kids at the Church of Scientology seem to go about fixing up their numero uno member with a date.

Vanity Fair broke the story (words you will not often see anywhere, but with the election coverage Fox News is really busy fabricating slander so someone has to report news) about how the CoS basically hired an actress to play his girlfriend.

How come my church doesn't do that for me? I can't decide if they just aren't willing to go the extra mile for me because I'm not as rich as Tom Cruise or because they don't like breaking moral and legal laws.

Anyone else suddenly want to join the church to get a free girlfriend? Well before you jump on that ship you might want to remember what happened to poor Miss Nazanin Boniadi. She signed a confidentiality agreement (pre-nup) about the 'role' she was taking on, was told to lose her boyfriend, and make some cosmetic changes to her looks. Then she basically became his girlfriend after one night. However the match wasn't quite perfect and she got kicked to the curb a few months before they brainwashed Katie Holmes. Something about her not having as much power as Nicole Kidman...whatever that means.

Gone was the Tom Cruise credit card and key to the compound and she was left at a Scientology Center for deprogramming. Then she got stuck swabbing toilets with a toothbrush or something. Hrm...that actually sounds like something a frat house might make pledges do; scrub toilets, not date Tom Cruise...even frat houses have rules!

I would mock Scientology a bit here and mention how backwards they are and controlling like a middle eastern religious sect crossed with the Stonecutters but there is always the slight concern that they would come and find me, shove a bag over my head, and drag me off to a 'Center' for a few unpleasant sessions. I hear that's how they got Doug E Fresh.

Luckily Boniadi managed to escape the asylum and now she is doing fine after some brief Hollywood work (Ironman), excellent time spent on How I Met Your Mother, and some daytime soap runs on General Hospital. But this story will now make me think differently whenever I see Tom Cruise or any other dude from the Scientology set with a hot babe on his arm. No longer will I give them props because we now know that someone else hooked the guy up.