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The Kim Kardashian Factor

Hold the phone! Reports surfaced today, from the always reliable news site StarberryIceCream.com, that Kim Kardashian has been regularly hooking up with Mark Sanchez for years. Apparently they began secretly dating back when Kourtney and Kim Take New York was in its' first season.

In light of this recent story Manwall would like to humbly apologize to all Jets fans and Kate Upton. We had ran a story at the end of December stating that Kate might be a distraction for Marky Mark as he and the Jets flailed along towards mediocrity instead of glory. Now we know the real truth! The entire time from 2010 onward, Mark Sanchez has been knocking boots with Kimmy whenever she was in town.

So what's the problem? Plenty of us guys would totally hit that. But after further investigation Manwall has uncovered this shocking truth. Kim Kardashian is really a succubus! That's right, a female demon who takes the form of a hot girl to seduce men. Legend has it that repeated intercourse may result in deterioration of health or death (of a career). Let's look at the facts:

Damon Thomas - A music producer who was married to Kim for 4 years. Prior to marriage he worked with Babyface and produced songs by Pink, Lionel Richie, Justin Timberlake, and more. Since the divorce he has worked with a bunch of people we have never heard of.

Nick Lachey - This was post divorce for Nick and Jessica and the succubus swooped right in. Now Lachey's career was never massive but he was very popular with the MTV crowd. Since being spotted with Kimmy at the DaVinci Code in 2006 has anyone seen him?

Ray J - A solid one year relationship that resulted in a nice sex tape. Pre-relationship he was an up and coming music sensation with a great voice and dance moves. After breaking up with Kim he started making reality TV shows on VH-1. The horror!

Nick Cannon - We don't know much about this relationship except that after Kim was done with him poor Nick went on to use his many talents to become a version of Ryan Seacrest and marry Mariah Carey. Pre-crazy Mariah was hot, post breakdown Mariah - not so much.

Reggie Bush - A top draft choice, Heisman Trophy winner, and playing on a Super Bowl Bound team should be sweet. No Kim  Kardashian succubus action here right? Wrong. Poor Reggie lost his trophy, watched his stats and playing time dwindle away, and then had to settle for playing with the Dolphins. But once free of Kim sucking his energy he was able to rebound with his first 1000 yard season.

Cristiano Ronaldo - Ah she travels to Europe and snares the soccer star briefly. While they dated his goals, shots on goal, and assist all plummeted. It looks as if he might recover from her but this year was still lesser than previous years as he slowly regains his energy and mojo.

Miles Austin - Running low on man mojo, Kim comes back state-side to tackle the up and coming Cowboy briefly. Luckily she only distracted him during training camp and he was able to recover to start the season, but since the relationship he has been surprisingly injury prone.

Kris Humphries - Pre-Kim Kris was a hard playing NBA lunk head with a nose for cleaning the glass and doing some dirty work. After having his ass handed to him on reality TV he was lucky to land a job back with the sad sack NJ Nets. Seriously the guy was a double-double machine. Now he is a joke.

Mark Sanchez - Well we all know what happened here. Up and down season where Marky Mark can't put together consistent play. Now we are lead to believe that each bad game was after one of his nights with Kim.

 

Nobody knows for sure what type of succubus powers Kim Kardashian has. So far it appears she has the ability to suck the mojo and future careers of men she seduces. Elite athletes seem to have some ability to recuperate from being with her but only time will tell if they can make a full recovery. Unfortunately there is a whole spawn of Kardashians roaming around at this time making life very unsafe for unsuspecting men everywhere. Now we understand why Bruce Jenner looks like such a shell of his former self and this also explains why Lamar Odom appears so lifeless playing for the Mavericks this year. They have been sucked dry.