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Preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse

The signs are beginning to appear more rapidly. First a naked man in Florida decides to make a snack out of some dude's face. He kept chomping away even after the famed Miami Police Department placed a bullet in him. After that, a guy in New Jersey was pepper sprayed and showed no ill effects. He then began to throw his own entrails at the police.

What does it all mean?

Well for starters, I'm getting my copy of Zombieland out and watching it again right now. To go with that, I have decided to get my checklist together for shit I should do if zombies start staggering around. While there are some valuable points noted in Zombieland, I have also considered Shaun of the Dead, Dawn of the Dead, and 28 Days Later. From these interesting perspectives on zombie I have created my own set of guidelines on how you can more easily try and survive people and zombies after the apocalypse.

The Basic Rules

Cardio - This one was nailed by Zombieland. If you can get some cardio going then you should be able to outrun the slower, yet non-stop zombies. The key here is pace; if you let adrenaline get the best of you then sprinting will tire you out. Get a good jog going and then try to get out of their line of sight.

Double Tap - When in doubt (or even if not) make sure to tap that zombie twice in the head. Beheading works too, but takes more effort.

Check the Back Seat - This goes for cars, bathrooms, and virtually anywhere you go. Seriously you have to act like you are playing Modern Warfare and sweep the area completely clear before even considering driving, eating, taking a crap, or whatever.

Clothing - With complete anarchy going on you have the opportunity to dress however you like. Personally I think more of an outdoors/military look is the way to go. A nice pair of cross trainers or hiking boot will give you comfort and traction (no heavy boots since you need to run). Good jeans for durability are a nice idea. Then something like Under Armor socks, underwear, and tops for keeping your warm (or cool). Really you want to avoid loose clothing that can snag or be grabbed. Don't forget a fleece jacket for cold nights.

Weapons - Ahh the good stuff. First things first you should head to a big sporting goods chain and raid that bitch. Ideally you want to look like an extra from the Expendables. In a perfect world I would be packing a holstered 9mm on each leg. While a nasty Desert Eagle has stopping power, I prefer the shot capacity in a good 9mm. An aluminum bat is great for hand-to-hand combat. Swords, axes, and the like get stuck in the bone too easily. Just Barry Bonds those heads and arms as you run by. To finish things off grab a nice pump action shotgun and shave off the stock and barrel. Don't forget to grab ammo whenever you can!

Destruction - I always think people who wreck stuff just to wreck it are being very wasteful in the zombie movies. You might need something later or what happens if they find a cure? Just leave stuff alone, take what you need, and hide stashes of supplies as you travel. That way if you are on the run you know where to go for extra ammo and food. Think of it like a good video game. It's not like the zombies are going to raid your stash of Snickers and beer.

Planning - The big difference between us and zombies is that our brains still work. So use it to outthink these idiots. Plan escape route and other things to make sure you can survive. Stock up on power bars and Gatorade along with ammo whenever you can. Stockpile stuff in hidden attic spaces.

Porn - Grab some issues of Playboy while you can. With the internet surely down you might want a little something nice to think about as you spank it on a cold night in a tree.

Okay zombies...bring it on!