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Ode to a Crappy Roommate

Now I am not saying that this is being written because my current roommate is horrible, because he isn't. But I sure have had some crappy situations with previous people that I have unfortunately shared a roof with. It is bound to happen at some point in life; you just get stuck living with someone who is an awful roommate.

Let's be honest, it could be a girlfriend or wife that easily falls into this category as well; hopefully not a wife because it isn't very easy to kick her out of the house.

So check out some of these situations below. As you read them, think to yourself, "Do I pull shit like this?" If you do then congratulations, you are a crappy roommate. Immediately go apologize to your roommates for being so hard to live with, buy them dinner (or a lot of beer), and do better.

Are you a Crappy Roommate?

If we have a DVR it is a shared item! That means don't watch my shows then delete them just because you watched and needed space for something else. Also no more Kardashians or Jersey Shore on the DVR! I swear that crap slowly seeps into the electronics and destroys the device.

A dish is a wonderful thing, so is a sponge and some soap. The idea is fairly simple; use the last two to clean the first one when you get them dirty. Oh, and rinse that shit before you put it in the dishwasher, it's not a miracle worker. Side note - when the dishwasher gets full make sure to run it; the magic dish fairy has the next goddamn week off.

A funny thing about an empty toilet paper roll, when you leave the room it doesn't magically fill itself back up. When you do notice that we are down to the last few rolls feel free to add that to the shopping list otherwise I am going to use your hand towel to wipe my ass (again).

Guess what, I have mouth herpes. Well I don't really, but so far nothing else has worked to keep you off my food. Yes, I make a killer lasagna but those leftover are mine so back the hell off; and I swear to God if you take anymore beer of mine without buying a case or two you are going to find the bottle shoved somewhere very inappropriate next time you pass out. That goes for the milk and the juice too.

Hey I am really happy that you have a girlfriend. It is totally cool that she hangs at our place and sleeps over. But that bitch has been here every night for 3 weeks straight. Either she kicks in some rent money or she better start inviting cute single friends to come visit her.

Light a fucking match, flush twice, and then light the damn candle. I do not enjoy the smell of your recent Taco Bell blowout all over the apartment. Oh, if you clog it then you unclog it. I don't care if you are late for work.

The trash is full...take it out. I'm not sure who else you are waiting for to do it when you start stacking trash next to the full bin. In case you didn't notice, that smell of leftover garbage in the kitchen is from the leftover garbage in the kitchen.

Yeah, I watch porn too. But, I do it in my room like any self respecting man should do. No, that girl I brought home last week did not, "Get more in the mood," because you were watching Tarzan's Anal Conquest while wearing your leopard print thong in the living room.

Buying me beers at the bar does not count towards your rent money. That shit needs to be paid up front with a check that won't bounce. Not that I won't drink the beer you buy but that doesn't count towards living expenses, it just makes you a good bro.

Yeah we are dudes and after a huge party or long weekend the place is trashed. But unless you are planning on hiring Merry Maids you can start picking up after yourself during the week. I'm not a fucking maid and unless you want to find your stuff piled in your room - clean it up! The girls I bring home are never going to bring a friend if we live in a pig sty bro.