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Groping Problem? Blame the Caffeine

Sorry baby, I had a grande mocha with an extra shot this morning; that is why I just grabbed your tits. Dumbest legal defense ever created or pure genius? You make the call!

It had to happen. We already had the famed 'twinkie defense' (not to be confused with a zone defense or a cover-2), the Zoloft defense, the PMS defense (still viable in most married households), and the Ambien defense. Now some jackass from Seattle is blaming caffeine.

If he didn't live in the land of Starbucks I might not believe, but maybe they are trying out mind control drugs in their coffee beans. They are already located everywhere. I mean, it does seem suspicious to have a shopping center with a Starbucks in it as well as a second Starbucks 150 feet away inside the grocery store that anchors the shopping center. Paranoid? No, it's not me; it's the caffeine!

Anyway this guy gropes some lady at a volleyball game by grabbing her fun bags a few times then playing a solo game of grab ass while she ran away from him. Apparently the 52-year-old bus driver couldn't handle keeping up with the 46-year-old woman he was lusting after so he turned his attentions to younger girls.

He groped two young girls and then followed a volleyball player on the bus and groped her before the bus driver gave him the ole heave ho!

As defenses go this one is pretty dumb. At least with Twinkies they have tons of artificial crap in them. Coffee is made from beans! In fact cocoa is being used in combination with Alzheimer's testing to see if they can actually help memory issues.

Since he was groping kids this guy totally deserves some jail time. That stuff is never cool. But this story does make for an interesting point; can I blame some of my bad behavior here around the offices at Manwall on the coffee I drink each morning? In the interests of science I created an experiment this morning to see what would happen...

Oh, apparently this e-mail I received from HR just now says no, caffeine is not an acceptable excuse. In fact I am being informed if I do what I did in the break room this morning again I will get written up. Whoops, so much for that caffeine defense.