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Top 10 Things To Look Forward to in 2012

With 2011 just about in the bag, it's time to start looking forward to a brand new year. Unless, of course, you believe that the Mayans, who couldn't even speak English, predicted the world would end in 2012. Really, they just ran out of stone tablets to write dates on. If you believe the world will end in 2012, you're as nutty as a Republican debate. Instead, 2012 promises to be one of the best years yet! Just take a look at the pure awesomeness that we can expect over the next 12 months:


2012 Election - Donald Trump surprises everyone with a third-party run and win after repeatedly alleging that Newt Gingrich is actually Obama's biological African radical Muslim father who has been holding on to the original birth certificate all along. Not to miss out on an opportunity, this kicks off eight seasons of Celebrity Vice-President Apprentice. Long story short, Carrot Top's photo ends up on the $20.

Superbowl - After seeing Madonna perform at the SuperBowl halftime show, Aaron Rodgers hangs up his cleats to pursue his dream of becoming a backup dancer in music videos but eventually succumbs to a nasty diet pill habit.


Sex Scandal - Continuing the celebrity hacking trend, Hellen Mirren's phone is hacked and nude pictures that she had sent to Ryan Reynolds are leaked. Also leaked is Ryan Reynold's reply "Dude, WTF?!"

Music - Beyonce's baby surprises everyone by sweeping the Grammy's with an album recorded while still inside the womb in order to get it out by award season. This begins a long and bitter feud between Beyonce's baby and Taylor Swift.

Movies - Movie studios decide not to release a single original movie, releasing only remakes and sequels instead. This results in "Paul Blart: Mall Cop 3 - Blart Harder" and "Paul Blart: Mall Cop 4 - Return of the Opened Item" finishing as the 2012 box office hits.

Economy - Struggling EU countries raise money by taking a page out of the NFL's playbook; selling off naming rights and trading away bloated salaries. This results in Tyler Perry Presents England trading away the Queen to iPoland for a politician to be named later.

Reality TV - MTV tests the boundaries of television with their new reality show Somalia Shore. Instant stars Jeubekwe, Gloo Gloo, and Ted quickly endear themselves to fans with their love of automatic weapons and their witty banter while looting cruise ships.

Tech - Apple releases the i, a device that replaces your actual eye and allows you to stream music and video with the simple poke of the retina. Make sure to get the optional rectal Wi-Fi implant so you're always connected (and slightly sore from sitting down) on the go.

Video Games - Grand Theft Auto V sends moms into an uproar with new features like water-boarding people for information, back alley abortions, and starting Nigerian e-mail spam schemes.

Celebrity Deathpool - Charlie Sheen (Odds- 3:1), Lindsay Lohan (4:1), Jerry Lewis (4:1), Artie Lange (5:1), Dick Cheney (5:1), Larry King (6:1), Justin Bieber (20:1)