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Snow Sculpture Etiquette

Recent posts by 'jme_410' have quickly served as a reminder for those of us here at Manwall that there seems to be lack of knowledge being passed down to the younger generation. In today's lesson we shall discuss sculpting and our medium of choice is snow. During those frosty, cold months of winter who doesn't love to stop and take a few moments to create something special that your fellow man can stop and enjoy?

Tools Needed

  • Thick, warm gloves that are waterproof (because frostbite sucks)

  • Good boots (see above note)

  • A snow shovel

  • A hand trowel or similar hand tool (do not try using your penis)

  • Small bottle of hard alcohol (little nip to warm up)

Building Basics

Like any good job you need to follow the 6 P's - Proper planning prevents piss poor performance. Be realistic about how big of a sculpture you are going to make. Don't start off with some massive idea while drinking a few beers and then half-ass it because going back into the bar is easier. Sack up and finish what you start! After you know what you want, get out your tools and start building. Don't waste time with drawing a design or anything silly like a woman would do. Always start with as much snow as you can because it will shrink as you pack it tight before carving details (the dreaded shrinkage effect).

 

Standard Designs

Everyone loves a good snow penis. Dick jokes are timeless (unlike that snow penis that only stays firm for a short while). As you can see from the photos here, these builders did a great job including pubes and adding some small details like veins. My only comments have to do with placement, style, and proportions. A penis on the car is nice, but why not position it behind the tailpipe so the owner is forced to mount before leaving? By the same token a giant penis in an open field is like a tree falling in the woods. Who cares! Put that bad boy front and center near a Holiday Inn Express. Also what are those, grandpa balls? Is someone just skimping on the shaft or using themselves as a model?

 

Design Do's

  • Send a message. People like to understand art so make sure they know what you are trying to say. Perhaps an uncircumcised penis should be engraved along the shaft with "Mazel tov".

  • Take the extra time for the small details that really show your love of art. In the expression of fondness for winter, note the subtle lines of the fingernail on the middle finger.

  • Don't be afraid to take a chance. Go for something epic that will cause the town to turn out in droves. The worst thing that happens is that it fails and you turn it into a fort for a snowball fight.

  • Go big or go home. Like Big Johnson has always said, nobody cares about the little ones, ladies like them big.

These are just a few ideas from us at Manwall to all of you. Feel free to add your own ideas below and then spread the word to those guys still making ass-cheeks in the snow and thinking it is gold. Personally I would like to see more boobs and maybe a nice man-on-a-toilet scene.